Club Footed Freak

I’d like to apologize for my unexplained, extended absence from Rapunzel’s Reality. These past few months life has decided to pick up, now this doesn’t mean that embarrassing things don’t happen anymore, its more that I don’t have the time to write about them. But this most recent experience left me no choice but to record it and share it with everyone.
Last Wednesday was just a regular day, around midnight I decided to hop into bed and get some sleep. I’m laying there for awhile, and out of nowhere I feel this sharp bite on my foot. So I think to myself, “Did I just imagine something biting me…?” and then it starts to hurt REAL bad, so I get up to turn on the lights and check out WTF could be under my sheets. Alas, I found nothing. I hop back into bed with a throbbing foot and try to forget about it, a few painful minutes later, I FEEL ANOTHER BITE. I’m thinking bed bugs, snake, bird, who knows. I rush out of bed to turn the lights on because I need to know what is terrorizing my feet, and of course I find a bee. People, there was BEE inside my bed sheets, where I was sleeping. Where I normally sleep naked. NAKED. Can we just think about how much more painful this story would be if I told you I had a bee sting on another body part… I quickly kill the bee (duh) and try to soothe my foot with some cold water. I fall asleep pretty quickly after this, realizing that there is no possible way there could be another bee under my sheets, because that happens to no one. I wake up the next morning to find my foot a bit swollen and red because I had been itching the son of a bitch during my sleep, so I iced it before I had to go into work. While resting my ugly foot, my roommate was googling how to get a bee stinger out, a site had recommended that you put duct tape over the area and rip it off. So we did. No stinger came out, but as soon as she put the duct tape on the itching went away and the pressure felt relieving. Therefore, I decided to wrap my foot in duct tape for when I was at work so I wouldn’t itch it. Looking back now it doesn’t seem like the smartest decision, but I think the bee venom was entering my brain at this point. Delusion. Here’s the thing, at work I had to wear sandals because my foot wouldn’t really fit into regular the duct tape was very visible and my boss asked me if I “was too broke to afford proper bandaids”. No, I’m not, hater. Eight hours go by and its hurting to walk, but I made it successfully through my shift. Only after did I realize that maybe, just maybe, I had left the tape on for a bit too long and had been restriction circulation. I finally rip the tape off, to reveal an ogre sized foot. Let me reiterate, my foot belonged to Shrek at this point. Large and in charge. If you dropped a pin on it, the explosion would have caused an earthquake. (FYI I was born with ugly feet to begin with, so it was a surprise to see how much worse it could get). Needless to say, my newly adopted club foot and I had a few awkward days together, but a week later the swelling has finally gone back down and all I’m left with is sleepless nights thinking about what other creatures lurk in my bed sheets. Sleep is overrated anyway, right?

3 Replies to “Club Footed Freak”

  1. A bee in your bed? That’s the stuff of nightmares right there… And here I was thinking checking under the bed for clowns on a daily basis was the extent of my night time crazy routine, now I have to add ‘check sheets for bees’ as well?

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