Snakes on a Boat

One thing about me that has never changed, practically since I was born, is my ultimate fear of snakes. I have had nightmares about snakes since I was 0 years old. I probably even dreamt about them the night I was conceived. They are the world’s most terrifying and useless creature and also, ugly. Every time I see one on TV I need to close my eyes immediately, otherwise I guarantee I will have a nightmare about them that night. Often times my (loser) friends will send me a snake video just to mess with my head, it works, every damn time.

So now that you somewhat understand the tiniest bit about my heart stopping fear of snakes, I shall continue. It was the long weekend, hot, sunny and no work in sight. My friends and I were taking a trip over to the Toronto Island to hang on the beach for the day. Our favourite way to get over to the island is to take a water taxi that carries no more than 12 people, so we lined up, got on the boat and were pumped for a day in the blistering heat. As we took our seats we noticed that there was a small dog on board and the owner was not paying much attention to it (you’ll soon see what he was paying attention to). We start moving away from the dock when my friend beside me says, “OMG there is a snake on board”. Now, I can pinpoint the moments of my life when I have felt this amount of panic (not really cause this was the worst moment of my life, but I’ll go on) and they are when Christian cut his hair, and when I went Tree Top Trekking with my family. To say my stomach flipped is an understatement, to say that I wanted to simultaneously poop myself and throw up at the same time, is probably the most accurate, but yet still not enough. I look, and to my absolute horror/disgust/outrage, there is a MF snake on board, people. (MF, sorry mom, you know exactly what that is abbreviating). There is a MF snake, on this MF boat. Instantly, if it wasn’t already 40 degrees out, I am sweating out of every single pore on my body, it literally looked like I had been swimming in the lake already. So I see this snake, on the railing, curled up on the railing of the boat LIKE IT BELONGS THERE OR SOMETHING, and immediately I say to my friend, “you need to watch that snake to make sure it comes no where near me because I cannot look at it”. At this time, I am holding onto my chair with all of my strength and yell out ‘IM GONNA LOSE IT” as I pant with my head between my knees.

At this point, I am still unsure to whom this MF snake belongs to, and who ever it is, they are an absolute freak. So this guy beside the snake gets up and starts taking photos of this ugly ass excuse for an animal on the railing, while my friends think its H-I-larious to ask whether his dog and his snake are friends….(they weren’t).  They also asked why he was bringing his sad excuse for a “pet” to the island and his reply was, “she likes to swim”. I want that to sink in for a moment, SHE LIKES TO SWIM, y’all need to never set foot in a lake again, there is a MF freak show swimming out there with his snake. So casually, (I am clearly not watching because I am on the edge of self destruction) the freak of nature puts his snake BACK INTO HIS BACKPACK. Okay. HE PUT HIS SNAKE INTO HIS BACKPACK LIKE IT WAS THE MOST NORMAL ACTION IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD. All of a sudden the backpack on my lap became also pretty terrifying. Guys, you will never look at a backpack the same, trust me.

So somehow, I survived this three-minute boat ride from hell, and I made sure freak show and his gang of “pets” get off the boat before I speed walked for my life away from them. I watched him bike off with his misfits into the horizon, and let me tell you I was on edge for the rest of the damn day. 

So the moral of my story is, don’t get close to a backpack, that’s all. Also never taking a water taxi, ever again.

One Reply to “Snakes on a Boat”

  1. What a roller coaster of a post, that must’ve been terrifying for you! Though as a reader (who isn’t near any snakes), this was hilarious!

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